T-T-T-TANGENT

Where to start: It dawned on me recently that most of the goals i had for this summer are going to fall through. Nothing incredibly important or anything, just things that required an excess of money might not be as attainable that i had previously thought they were. These things include, a phone, guitar, camera. I'll have money for halifax but thats probably it. This jobs weighing pretty heavily on my soul, i swear if it wasnt for the constant reassurance from Athena that this is just temporary, id probably lose every aspect of myself to a constant state of robot-like-routine.

I've got to get back to my mindset where the only change that can occur to me and my body will come from my ability to actually get up and start doing something again. Seems pretty easy, but for some reason the hardest part for me isnt keeping up routine, its actually getting the routine started. When the rain stops, i believe i'll start going for morning runs. This might be killing two birds with one stone because i seem to be horribly grumpy every morning now for some reason. I believe its just a side-effect of working at satans workshop. I can stick it out, just a month and a half nathan, 30 days roughly and it'll be over. I can do this.

I just read the book "The perks of being a wallflower." This book kinda shook me in a few different ways. From what i was told by athena, and a few other people the next day, the book is considered the "bible for emo-kids." I kind of took that to heart when i started reading it. There are a few parts that got me choked up, that i can admit. Although, even more so then just the book, every night after i put it down, i'd get lost in my own head. I dont believe im the young hyper-emotional kid i once used to be. Maybe she was right in saying that im somewhat level-headed. Maybe i truly am starting to find my own feet. Maybe it really is time for me to grow up in a few other ways. I have to stop spending money like its going out of style. I have to better myself not only to fix my health, my image of myself, but also to kind of make myself something thats worth being with physically, and not just emotionally.

One more thing, i noticed the other day one of the most significant ways that Athena stands out to me, and maybe its more of a testament to the way im actually feeling about our relationship. I have never, or at least to the best of my memory, remember ever being scared of breaking up. As horribly narcissistic as this may sound [and ive been known to be at least cocky a few times], i've never been scared that someone would leave me because i always thought of myself as being a "catch" enough that i wouldnt be worth leaving. NOW deep breaths off of how horrible that sounded, keeping in mind that is NOT AT ALL how i normally function. But that time of mindset is a product of a few broken aspects of myself, thinking like that is how i learned to cope with relationships in order tip-toe around subjects like jealousy, or clinginess or whatever cliche word you'd like to use for disfunctionality. SO back to the topic [im horrible for tangents that i believe may help clarify certain things, when in reality they just make everything even further scewed] here is where Athena shines in brilliant light as being different.

I am literally, 100% scared that losing her would destroy me. Not that i believe she would just wake up one morning bored and leave, but more so i feel like this is so for keeps that i wouldnt even dare to chance anything that make shake this relationship. I even question normal things that a relationship does entail like jealousy, i know people get jealous, its human nature, although i dont believe at all that i have any reason for it. But once again maybe this is what makes this relationship the best i've ever had. Maybe its a combination of the idea of losing the girl that makes life worth living as well as the thought of losing my best friend.

It's crazy, i could write the definition on being able to say the difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone.

I love athena, and i am IN love with her. She rocks my world.

Welp. enough of this mushy schtuff. I'll have a new album posted soon. Promise.