I don't really enjoy writing about my past anymore. In most cases, as far as im concerned i've learned the lessons to be learnt, and have moved on. Although, to be quite honest, what i find most remarkable about the past, is how subtle elements of a conversation, a tone of voice, a turn of phrase, or perhaps an outburst in a certain way. It's crazy how i've managed to bury away all the things that used to make me hurt in certain ways. Sorry if these seems somewhat jumbled, keeping in mind, i write whats in my head. In most cases i dont write to make sense. This all started when i was watching the last half of "Little miss sunshine." My brother had asked me to watch this movie a while back but, in quite eloquent nathan fashion, i "never got around to it." My brother doesn't, or at least to my knowledge, analyze things as deeply as i do. Although this movie may have gotten to him in a certain way he felt i might be able to relate to. Maybe he just believes this movie had a good message, maybe more, it's impossible for me to know without asking.
Although this movie was beautiful in a whole variety of ways, theres a couple scenes that kinda brought up memories id rather leave buried. I don't want to be a downer tonight. I wish there was a better for me to say downer. So i thought i'd leave this entry on here as my way of venting.
After my mom lost her job, after we lost the house, after we were homeless staying with friends. A night came about that i think may have changed me from being an optimist to a realist. I dont necessarily believe this is a bad thing although i can at least note the change. My mom had just recently had a falling out with her friend who happened to be the one putting us up while my mom was looking for a new job. I don't give my mom enough respect for the things she's done in order to keep us afloat (in the way my mom and i float) but maybe i do, but in my own way, my quite respect that i believe she knows i have. Anyways, if my mom had reasons i dont know, thats fine, but the way i follow the story is the way i saw it, so thats the story i'll tell. My moms friend (with us) just moved into a new house, kinda run down, but nice enough for low income families. There wasnt any furniture, and at this point im pretty sure the catalyst of the falling out had occurred and we weren't expected to be staying much longer. I was laying down on the floor in one of the empty rooms of this house trying to fall asleep. FUCK where the FUCK was my goddamn brother, god, im aware this resentment i feel is completely ridiculous, but jesus christ you dont stop calling, or having anything to do with the goddamn family, so you hated mom, you didnt hate me, i dont think you hated me. Anyways, so im laying down on the floor and my mom crawls in, im not sure if she had a couple to drink, or if she was just in a weird mood. But she knew i was awake, and then she layed down beside me. She asked me if i knew what was going on, i explained that i knew her and her friend had been fighting, but simply that. She rolled over and said, we have to find a new place to stay. I guess i had agreed, im not sure, but thats all besides the point. Im not sure how, but she still had a car so she said we should go for a drive. So i woke up, went out to where it was sitting and we both piled in. I'll never forget that fucking ford topaz, son of a bitch car. So we're driving and my mom breaks the news to me that we're in such rough shape we had to move back with grandma in toronto, and that i would be changing schools. I remember this so well its scary now that i look back on it.
This is where it becomes relevant to the movie. The boy in the movie finds out that he's colour blind and he cant go to flight school. So he starts to lose his mind. But what's amazing to me is that he did it in such a way i remember doing myself. He just starts screaming, and crying, and smashing around, and he gets out of the car and just starts running until he collapses.
Maybe you're wondering right now, "Wow, i mean i understand the situations bad, but its a little over dramatic to be reacting like that." Here's the thing, the character in the movie wasnt just upset about flight school but he was upset about the fact that he's colour blind, his uncle tried to kill himself, his parents are divorcing, and his families bankrupt.
This is exactly what it was, i wasnt losing control about having to move for the one-hundredth time. I was losing my mind because, as young as i was, i just couldnt do it anymore. It was the point in my mind where i just started breaking, it was breaking piece by piece, and this was that last final crack that collapsed the window.
I dealt with bathtubs and knives, i dealt with seeing my mom fall out of a bathroom drunk with her pants around her ankles, i dealt with hearing her have sex with guy after guy, i dealt with being fat, i dealt with being mad fun of, i dealt with having a friend, i dealt with my brother leaving, i dealt with being poor, i dealt with it all. I fucking did, im the shining testament to a will that can take such an absolute shitkicking that i can almost make it into an art. But here it was, here was the final crack, moving was unfortunate, that much was clear but for fuck sakes. Give a kid a break. So i just screamed, and cried, and screamed.
The kid in the movie gets back in the vehicle, and they finish what they were doing. The best part is it ends with all of them dancing on stage. All coming to peace with each part of themselves that they had to overcome to get there.
I never had that, thats what makes me sad. So here i am, 20 years old, finally learning a lesson.
The reason why i cant find my way of fixing these problems in my head is because theres only one person i think in the world who can, who just doesnt know it yet. The reason why i want to be a good dad.
I want my children to look back on situations not with heartache, anger or a feeling as if they were cheated.
I want them to look back on the time we danced on stage because i helped them get where they were. I want that point where i can finally feel complete, because my kids helped fix me without even knowing i was broken.
I have the best motivation to be a good Dad, i have the fucking heart. I have the fucking heart.
Thats my vent. My brother is a good person, he's my idol, i love him. My moms is absolutely untouchable in comparison with other people. She's the reason why im a good person. She's the reason why i dont feel ashamed to cry when i feel the need, and i do believe shes the reason why i can reflect on moments like these, write about them, and get passed them. I love you mom.
So thats my vent, i wont be a "downer" no one will even know this happened. It's my quiet little getaway. Thanks blog.
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