It's Like Falling In Love When You're Ten.

I don't understand. What ever happened to consuming oneself with the notion of a naive, fabricated version of a Hollywood-fashioned Love. Captial L Love. Before you say anything about the legitimacy of a Love only witnessed in the movies I want to explain that yes, i understand its got that extra flare. But fuck, whats wrong with a little flare?

The eldest part of me screams quite loudly, Be Realistic Nathan! Love is hardships, love's getting through the tough times and coming out on top, Loves eating on the floor together because you cant afford a table yet. God, i feel like im struggling to get what i have to say out on paper right now...

maybe, quite simply, im aware that realistically, love isnt the same in real life the way it is in the movies. Maybe it's knowing this which is consitantly distorting my perception of love.

Although I still, fight constantly to hold onto that feeling. I know she makes me feel the flare, the lights, the action.

I've grown up, basing my life on this fabricated concept. It's like that moment where you realize santa isnt real.. and you take a breath, knowing full well this isn't very shocking news, because you always had the impression that it was like this, but the sight of your mother signing, "from santa" kills that little bit of childhood innocence one always claws at, and refuses to let go.

Fuck, i almost feel apathetic... this all originally stemmed from a simple line my professor explained today during class. He explained, in complete harsh reality, as if to EMPHASISE the realism, not the pessimism, that at one point, eventually, everything you love will die.

For some reason, maybe the lack of sleep, the coffees i had choked back in order to keep myself awake, or the numbness of six hours of lecture straight caused me to get teary eye'd at this notion, at this concept this man felt completely at ease with unleashing upon a class of ill-prepard students.

To think, everything I hold closest... everything that I love, or believed to have once loved or will eventually love is, in the most honest way, tempral. You, reading this right now, think about what you love most. Don't you feel almost cheated? I think what really killed me about this theory is when he spoke about our children.

He explained, when you're sitting there, holding your new born son or daughter in your hands, the one thing you're supposed to love absolutely... unconditionally... with all of your soul... they will eventually, for one reason or another, pass away.

Yes, this is me finally dealing with death, this is my hatred, this is my bitterness, this is my complete and utter disdain for death. In every single selfish aspect i could possibly concieve of... death is cheating me... its stealing from me, its hurting me intentionally. So where does Hollywood, Captial L Love play into this?

It's my way of fighting back. It's my way of getting one thing out of my life that death can't take from me. You want to see Love as a weapon? Well here it is, in all of its glory.

I'll hold onto my nieve love, I'll hold onto my Capital L Love. I'll hold onto something so completely tempral that i'll take solece in the fact that no matter what, its the one thing death cant take from me, and even if it could, as long as i experianced it, it wouldn't matter. I have still already won.