Iron and Wine

I don't really enjoy writing about my past anymore. In most cases, as far as im concerned i've learned the lessons to be learnt, and have moved on. Although, to be quite honest, what i find most remarkable about the past, is how subtle elements of a conversation, a tone of voice, a turn of phrase, or perhaps an outburst in a certain way. It's crazy how i've managed to bury away all the things that used to make me hurt in certain ways. Sorry if these seems somewhat jumbled, keeping in mind, i write whats in my head. In most cases i dont write to make sense. This all started when i was watching the last half of "Little miss sunshine." My brother had asked me to watch this movie a while back but, in quite eloquent nathan fashion, i "never got around to it." My brother doesn't, or at least to my knowledge, analyze things as deeply as i do. Although this movie may have gotten to him in a certain way he felt i might be able to relate to. Maybe he just believes this movie had a good message, maybe more, it's impossible for me to know without asking.

Although this movie was beautiful in a whole variety of ways, theres a couple scenes that kinda brought up memories id rather leave buried. I don't want to be a downer tonight. I wish there was a better for me to say downer. So i thought i'd leave this entry on here as my way of venting.

After my mom lost her job, after we lost the house, after we were homeless staying with friends. A night came about that i think may have changed me from being an optimist to a realist. I dont necessarily believe this is a bad thing although i can at least note the change. My mom had just recently had a falling out with her friend who happened to be the one putting us up while my mom was looking for a new job. I don't give my mom enough respect for the things she's done in order to keep us afloat (in the way my mom and i float) but maybe i do, but in my own way, my quite respect that i believe she knows i have. Anyways, if my mom had reasons i dont know, thats fine, but the way i follow the story is the way i saw it, so thats the story i'll tell. My moms friend (with us) just moved into a new house, kinda run down, but nice enough for low income families. There wasnt any furniture, and at this point im pretty sure the catalyst of the falling out had occurred and we weren't expected to be staying much longer. I was laying down on the floor in one of the empty rooms of this house trying to fall asleep. FUCK where the FUCK was my goddamn brother, god, im aware this resentment i feel is completely ridiculous, but jesus christ you dont stop calling, or having anything to do with the goddamn family, so you hated mom, you didnt hate me, i dont think you hated me. Anyways, so im laying down on the floor and my mom crawls in, im not sure if she had a couple to drink, or if she was just in a weird mood. But she knew i was awake, and then she layed down beside me. She asked me if i knew what was going on, i explained that i knew her and her friend had been fighting, but simply that. She rolled over and said, we have to find a new place to stay. I guess i had agreed, im not sure, but thats all besides the point. Im not sure how, but she still had a car so she said we should go for a drive. So i woke up, went out to where it was sitting and we both piled in. I'll never forget that fucking ford topaz, son of a bitch car. So we're driving and my mom breaks the news to me that we're in such rough shape we had to move back with grandma in toronto, and that i would be changing schools. I remember this so well its scary now that i look back on it.

This is where it becomes relevant to the movie. The boy in the movie finds out that he's colour blind and he cant go to flight school. So he starts to lose his mind. But what's amazing to me is that he did it in such a way i remember doing myself. He just starts screaming, and crying, and smashing around, and he gets out of the car and just starts running until he collapses.

Maybe you're wondering right now, "Wow, i mean i understand the situations bad, but its a little over dramatic to be reacting like that." Here's the thing, the character in the movie wasnt just upset about flight school but he was upset about the fact that he's colour blind, his uncle tried to kill himself, his parents are divorcing, and his families bankrupt.

This is exactly what it was, i wasnt losing control about having to move for the one-hundredth time. I was losing my mind because, as young as i was, i just couldnt do it anymore. It was the point in my mind where i just started breaking, it was breaking piece by piece, and this was that last final crack that collapsed the window.

I dealt with bathtubs and knives, i dealt with seeing my mom fall out of a bathroom drunk with her pants around her ankles, i dealt with hearing her have sex with guy after guy, i dealt with being fat, i dealt with being mad fun of, i dealt with having a friend, i dealt with my brother leaving, i dealt with being poor, i dealt with it all. I fucking did, im the shining testament to a will that can take such an absolute shitkicking that i can almost make it into an art. But here it was, here was the final crack, moving was unfortunate, that much was clear but for fuck sakes. Give a kid a break. So i just screamed, and cried, and screamed.

The kid in the movie gets back in the vehicle, and they finish what they were doing. The best part is it ends with all of them dancing on stage. All coming to peace with each part of themselves that they had to overcome to get there.

I never had that, thats what makes me sad. So here i am, 20 years old, finally learning a lesson.

The reason why i cant find my way of fixing these problems in my head is because theres only one person i think in the world who can, who just doesnt know it yet. The reason why i want to be a good dad.

I want my children to look back on situations not with heartache, anger or a feeling as if they were cheated.

I want them to look back on the time we danced on stage because i helped them get where they were. I want that point where i can finally feel complete, because my kids helped fix me without even knowing i was broken.

I have the best motivation to be a good Dad, i have the fucking heart. I have the fucking heart.

Thats my vent. My brother is a good person, he's my idol, i love him. My moms is absolutely untouchable in comparison with other people. She's the reason why im a good person. She's the reason why i dont feel ashamed to cry when i feel the need, and i do believe shes the reason why i can reflect on moments like these, write about them, and get passed them. I love you mom.

So thats my vent, i wont be a "downer" no one will even know this happened. It's my quiet little getaway. Thanks blog.

T-T-T-TANGENT

Where to start: It dawned on me recently that most of the goals i had for this summer are going to fall through. Nothing incredibly important or anything, just things that required an excess of money might not be as attainable that i had previously thought they were. These things include, a phone, guitar, camera. I'll have money for halifax but thats probably it. This jobs weighing pretty heavily on my soul, i swear if it wasnt for the constant reassurance from Athena that this is just temporary, id probably lose every aspect of myself to a constant state of robot-like-routine.

I've got to get back to my mindset where the only change that can occur to me and my body will come from my ability to actually get up and start doing something again. Seems pretty easy, but for some reason the hardest part for me isnt keeping up routine, its actually getting the routine started. When the rain stops, i believe i'll start going for morning runs. This might be killing two birds with one stone because i seem to be horribly grumpy every morning now for some reason. I believe its just a side-effect of working at satans workshop. I can stick it out, just a month and a half nathan, 30 days roughly and it'll be over. I can do this.

I just read the book "The perks of being a wallflower." This book kinda shook me in a few different ways. From what i was told by athena, and a few other people the next day, the book is considered the "bible for emo-kids." I kind of took that to heart when i started reading it. There are a few parts that got me choked up, that i can admit. Although, even more so then just the book, every night after i put it down, i'd get lost in my own head. I dont believe im the young hyper-emotional kid i once used to be. Maybe she was right in saying that im somewhat level-headed. Maybe i truly am starting to find my own feet. Maybe it really is time for me to grow up in a few other ways. I have to stop spending money like its going out of style. I have to better myself not only to fix my health, my image of myself, but also to kind of make myself something thats worth being with physically, and not just emotionally.

One more thing, i noticed the other day one of the most significant ways that Athena stands out to me, and maybe its more of a testament to the way im actually feeling about our relationship. I have never, or at least to the best of my memory, remember ever being scared of breaking up. As horribly narcissistic as this may sound [and ive been known to be at least cocky a few times], i've never been scared that someone would leave me because i always thought of myself as being a "catch" enough that i wouldnt be worth leaving. NOW deep breaths off of how horrible that sounded, keeping in mind that is NOT AT ALL how i normally function. But that time of mindset is a product of a few broken aspects of myself, thinking like that is how i learned to cope with relationships in order tip-toe around subjects like jealousy, or clinginess or whatever cliche word you'd like to use for disfunctionality. SO back to the topic [im horrible for tangents that i believe may help clarify certain things, when in reality they just make everything even further scewed] here is where Athena shines in brilliant light as being different.

I am literally, 100% scared that losing her would destroy me. Not that i believe she would just wake up one morning bored and leave, but more so i feel like this is so for keeps that i wouldnt even dare to chance anything that make shake this relationship. I even question normal things that a relationship does entail like jealousy, i know people get jealous, its human nature, although i dont believe at all that i have any reason for it. But once again maybe this is what makes this relationship the best i've ever had. Maybe its a combination of the idea of losing the girl that makes life worth living as well as the thought of losing my best friend.

It's crazy, i could write the definition on being able to say the difference between loving someone, and being in love with someone.

I love athena, and i am IN love with her. She rocks my world.

Welp. enough of this mushy schtuff. I'll have a new album posted soon. Promise.

Welcome to my head, My names Nathan.

Here it is, here it is, dont miss it. Take your breath, but dont take to many. You need to focus. This is that moment, here's the moment you wont get back again. The moods just right, the lights are dim. The music as that subtle setting where it's there if you need, and not if you dont. Theres that perfect bit of awkwardness, and that perfect bit of perfection. Okay, there it is, you took the breath, now hold it, now its time to say it. Now its time to do it. Wow, seems like you've been holding your breath forever. Im pretty sure if you took the moment to pay attention, you can feel the bed thumping. Who's to say its the size of your heart thats doing it, hell maybe her heartbeat is adding to it. Okay okay, you can exhale, but pay attention, if you keep doing this you'll miss it. The songs half way through now, you know in your head that the second half should be a good moment for reflection on what just happened. Jesus man, why is this so big. You know it, your heart knows it, you're fingertips feel it, your toes feel it. Its time, here it is, take the one last breath you're granting yourself. Oddly enough, the breath of hers on the back of your neck is presenting this odd sense of comfort. Alright, the final moments are here, no turning back. (Silence)............... I love you.

Send out the morning birds, to sing of the damage...

The steady murmer in my head.

[Goodbye Blues] The Hush Sound

The intro to this album has this erie, opera-istic piano beginning with the female singer expressing a melody that seems as though its purpose is to lure people into the album much like a sirens song to men. One thing i have to note in continuity to the the Hush Sounds previous albums is the jazz-rock sound that they seem to divulge so effortlessly. "Honey" seems like the type of song that would completely rope you in if you were to see these guys play live, its got that give and take type sound that speeds up and slows down in combination with a few jazzy guitar riffs. "Medicine Man" has a perfect ball room jazz sound that would make dancing to it almost natural. "Hurricane" is an absolutely beautiful song. Whenever i hear this song i picture a house buried away in a forest with one of those green canopies that play hide and seek with beams of light. I picture this house to have a few acres of field that welcome the sunrise every morning. I also picture this house to have a tin roof which, in times of rain, amplify the sound of the drops gracing the sheets of metal with its presence. Books, fireplaces, blankets, tea and a piano which reverberates through each wall, giving the house a welcoming gentle presence. Yeah i know, when i listen to music, i go off in my own head and come up with make-believe places such as this. This cd roughly presents the first half being strictly the female singer, the song that introduces the male singer ("As you cry") of the band has its typical simple, but eloquent lyrical progression but at the same time has one of its quirky little "take that" type of sounds. Overall, i guess id give this album about a 6.5. It's not so much that this cd is sub-par, its more so that i guess i stacked it up pretty high against their old albums and i didn't quite get what i wanted from it.